Archive for May, 2008
May 31, 2008 at 10:43 pm · Filed under Marketing Stuff
Birkenstocks are a German brand of quality footwear, which is best known for it’s contoured footbed. When most people purchase a new pair of shoes, they expect to have a ‘break-in’ time. This usually lasts for a few days and, at that time, the shoe is pretty comfortable and broken in for everyday wear. The main difference with Birkenstocks is that they approach the ‘break-in’ time much differently. When a pair of Birkenstocks are first purchased, they are more stiff than commercial brand news. After several weeks of wear, the shoe literally molds to the wearer’s foot. This creates an actual customized shoe that is designed around the wearer. Think of your foot as being a candy mold and Birkenstocks as the candy. The Birkenstocks will mold to every detail of your foot to create an exact design, which will fit perfectly everyday.
As is the case with any company, Birkenstocks weren’t always as well known as they are today. In 1897, a man by the name of Konrad Birkenstock developed a theory that would change the world of footwear forever. He believed that if the shape of a shoe were to reflect the exact shape of the foot, improved comfort would be inevitable. Soon after, he designed the first shoe to feature a contoured insole to be used in custom footwear.
Nearly 70 years later while on a trip to Germany, Margot Fraser grew tired of walking and sought relief from her uncomfortable shoes. While at the spa, someone suggested that she try Birkenstocks. In addition to finding immediate comfort, several months after returning home to California, she found that her chronic foot pain had finally ended after years of suffering. Convinced it was the Birkenstocks that relieved her pain, she began importing the German-made footwear into America. This began the Birkenstock Distribution USA, Inc. franchise in California. In 2006, after 40 years of success, Birkenstock celebrates a milestone anniversary after four decades of success in America.
The Birkenstocks footwear line includes footwear for men, women and children. A quality collection of sandals, clogs and other shoes are readily available from the Birkenstocks line. In addition, socks and insoles are available as separate purchases for anyone who wants to experience the true Birkenstocks comfort. With more than 100 employees, 1,800 retail accounts and years of success behind them, Birkenstock USA is poised to continue providing custom footwear for years to come.
To get more facts about birkenstocks, check out our website at www.maposa.com for lots of free birkenstocks information and reviews.
May 31, 2008 at 9:30 pm · Filed under Great Insurance Tips
We are all looking for ways to save money, but driving with out auto insurance is irresponsible, as well as illegal in most states. Today, even small accidents can result in thousands of dollars in damages.
Good news is that cars built today are designed to absorb ever-increasing levels of impact and are filled with technology, like air bags, Dual side-curtain air bags, Side Impact Protection Systems. All of these innovations have made today’s car the safest ever built, but all have added cost to the price of both buying and fixing these cars and trucks.
Due to the high price of vehicles, ever increasing medical costs, and new bankruptcy laws that make it more
difficult to eliminate your debits; it is financial suicide to drive with out insurance. When looking for car insurance, no one wants to pay more than they have to in order to get the needed coverage. Below are some suggestions to help you lower your insurance costs.
1. Shop Several Companies
Prices vary widely from company to company. The carrier that offers the lowest rate on a middle-aged married couple might be one the highest on a 20-year-old male single. Get quotes from different types of insurance companies. Some companies sell direct through a captive agent force. Independent agents offer policies from several different insurance companies. You can find agents by searching Online, using a telephone directory or asking family or friends.
2. Move to a Higher Deductible
The deductible is the amount you pay on a claim before the insurance company pays. By requesting higher deductibles, you can lower your insurance costs significantly. For example, increasing your deductible from $250 to $500 could decrease your comprehensive and collision coverage cost by as much as 30 percent. Switching to a $1,000 deductible can reduce your expense by 40 percent or more. Just keep in mind, if there is a claim you are going to need to come up with that amount in order to get your car repaired. However, remember that the deductible is for the damages to your own car, rarely is there any deductible for the car that you “Hit”.
3. Decrease Coverage on Older Cars
When your car was new, of course you purchased “Full Coverage’ to protect your investment. However if your car is no longer a “late model” or does not have a value over $3,000.00, consider dropping collision and comprehensive coverage. Ask your agent to provide you with a quote both with and without these coverages. Your agent can tell you the Blue book value of your car.
4. Ask about Alarm Discounts
Does your car have any anti theft devices? Most cars today do have both passive and active systems. Most insurance companies will give you a discount of your insurance if your car is so equipped. The discount can be as much as 20% of the comprehensive portion of your policy. It is important that you let your agent know.
5. Exclude a driver
Not all drivers are created equal when it comes to car insurance. The rates on teen drivers are much higher than drivers in their 30s or 40s. If you have young drivers in the household that do not drive your car, you can save a considerable sum by taking them off your policy. A word of caution: If you exclude a driver from your policy and they do take your car out for a spin and have an accident; you will not be covered for that loss.
6. Part-Time Drivers
Most companies give a discounted rate for a part-time or occasional driver. This is of no use if the part time driver is an older driver, but can make a dramatic difference when the part time driver is a young driver. But remember to ask your agent, and not assume they gave you the discount.
7. Maintain a Good Credit Record
It might seem that is no connection between “Good Credit” and low insurance costs, but many insurance companies will now run credit reports each time you apply for a quote on your car insurance. Many people would be surprised to learn that a “Bad Credit Score” can raise your insurance rate more than having speeding tickets. Not all companies credit score; always ask the agent if they are going to run your credit. If a representative asks you for your social security number, assume they are planning on running a credit check. Verify your credit record on a periodically to check for any errors.
8. Check Your Driving Record
I have had clients whose driving record show accidents and tickets that were inaccurate. Such mistakes happen more frequently than many agents or representatives at the Security of State are willing to admit. These mistakes can significantly increase the cost of your insurance. Check your credit record on a from time to time to check for any errors.
9. Shop Before You Buy The Car
Insurance carriers heavily surcharge some cars, motorcycles or trucks. That means that even though two cars that have the same value, might have dramatically different insurance rates.
After you buy the car, you might find that the monthly insurance payment is more than the monthly car payment. This is particularly true for the combination of young drivers and high performance cars.
10. Don’t Put In The Small Claim
Insurance works best when it is used for which it was intended- to protect you against major financial losses. Insurance companies today share loss information through a central network. As a result these losses follow you from company to company. Companies count “Frequency” as well as total pay-out; so if you have $600 in damages and a $500 deductible
It might be wise to avoid having the claim on your record.
Larry Lubell is President of Urban Insurance Agency. He has been providing insurance advice to his clients for over 20 years. Urban Insurance Agency specializes in auto insurance including SR22 Filing, commercial vehicle insurance and Motorcyle Insurance. For more information visit http://www.urbaninsuranceagency.com
May 31, 2008 at 8:12 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Not unexpectedly, a recently published probe has shown that with-it pieces of underclothing are doubtlessly the one desire guaranteed to guide girls young and mature to convince themselves they are really fascinating. At the top of the luxury night apparel line, Myla is a London based notable English enterprise subscribing to empowering girls young and mature to feel good-looking and vigorous in with-it ladies’ undergarments. The Myla lineup of products encompasses seductive underwire bras, braces, including, obviously, lace top stockings, glamorous sleeping outfits plus, in addition, the most sensual bed-room contraptions.
Being focused on the very best in thrilling cheer the Myla online shop provides delicate pieces of underclothing produced in de luxe fabric covering pure silk satin, sheer silk chiffon, occhi lace plus, in addition, soft mesh. Indulging flirty today’s girls we can see balconette bras plus, of course, frill knickers, structured lace bras plus, of course, fitting thongs and skinny suspenders maybe even glamorous frolicsome babydolls produced in sheer silk chiffon and occhi lace. This kind of la mode inventory provides shell lace basques, silk & lace open knicker, sheer chemise camisoles plus, in addition, long silk satin halter nightshirts. When targeting undefiled seductive attractiveness, experts will decide on a galvanizing cup brassiere or that plunge bra corresponding with silk & lace open knicker and a silk and lace suspender perfected by fishnets. Wonderful for the boudoir, you will see great pure structured silk satin and net lace bodices, frill knickers, balbriggans, marabou thongs and lace fasteners.
If in need of the most sensual bed-room love game contraptions experts will decide on tease blindfolds, silk and satin stiletto shoes, fishnets, skinny suspenders and alluringly scented lavender passion candles. Enchant and entice with marabou feather ticklers, feather fluff & silk satin tie ups, spot blindfolds, exotic sesame massage oil, delectable chocolate body frosting or a frolicsome paddle. Being focused on the very best the most sensual contraptions, the Myla online shop provides a selection of intimate excitation toys crafted by a slew of wonderful craftspeople. Lingerie lovers can choose from a huge lineup of products covering Rachel Wingfield’s Sphere, the gold bow engraved exclusive vibrator by Jimmyjane or Japanese designer Mar-Ruth Oda’s intimate use toy Pebble.
Buy luxury underwear London with Myla or visit myla.com for home delivery.
May 31, 2008 at 6:40 pm · Filed under Lots Of Travel Resources
Hampton Court Palace is sited to the south west of the Capital, on the edge of the River Thames, surrounded by wood and spectacular estates. Hampton Court Palace, King Henry VIII?s brilliant riverbank abode is sited in over five-hundred acres of wood & private gardens.
Bringing back the tone of more than four hundred & fifty years of folklore, fancy dressed staff can be found inside Henry 8’s & King William thirds dazzling personal residences. The views, sounds and odours of the inspiring Tudor kitchens where dinners were set-up for Henry?s dinning room of over six hundred guests can also be viewed. Enjoy England has many great places to visit. Hampton Court Palace is no exception.
Hampton Court Palace has been split into 6 individual routes or excursions. The Maze at Hampton Court Palace which is built on the Thames to the west of the City is maybe the most cherished hedge maze in the world.
Hampton Court palace has a shady heritage & is supposedly owned by some phantoms, including two of Henry eight’s past wives and a nurse to his family. Hampton Court Palace custodians and staff will be at the ready to aid visitors to their selected state abode for a wine & canap?s welcome. Uniformed staff will declare dinner & guests will be called to go to their designated seats for a fantastic 2 course meal with top quality fine white wines.
Hampton Court Palace has 60 acres of formal private gardens in addition to the 600 acres of royal woodland. The palace private grounds date back to the 16th Century, when the original Privy Garden was laid out between 1530 & 1538 for King Henry the eighth.
May 31, 2008 at 3:19 pm · Filed under Food
One of my fondest childhood memories is the celebrations around Chinese New Year. This was a time of great excitement and joy, families came together, children were given gifts, and everyone enjoyed traditional New Year’s foods. Perhaps my favorite New Year food was Chinese dumplings.
Each New Year’s Eve my entire family came together to make dumplings for the celebration. Over time this evolved into a time honored and cherished family tradition. Making dumplings in those days was complicated work. The process required making dough, preparing fillings, rolling out wraps, and assembling the finished dumplings. All preparation was done by hand. We did not have food processors, dough machines, or other modern conveniences. You may think this is a lot of work but I have only fond memories of the time.
My brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins all participated in our New Year’s Eve dumpling making tradition. My mom always served as the leader and organizer. She would prepare the dough, wash the vegetables, and carefully check all the other ingredients and spices. My aunts and uncles would chop vegetables, prepare meats and carefully hand roll each dumpling wrap. During this preparation time all the family talked together, laughed and joked, and generally had a grand time. Sometimes the children were a little mischievous. When the adults were not watching we would take a few wraps and fill them with candies, salt, or hot peppers. We called these “good luck dumplings” and tried hard to make them look exactly like those made by the adults. In the evening we would all sit down to a big meal which included my favorite, Chinese Dumplings.
When I was old enough my mother passed down to me her recipe and techniques for making tasty traditional Chinese dumplings. Today I would like to share that with you.
I hope you enjoy these healthy, tasty treats. Perhaps they can become part of your own family’s tradition on Chinese New Year.
Traditional Chinese Dumplings
Serves 6 people:
• pound ground pork or ground lamb
• 2 pounds Chinese Napa Cabbage or pound of garlic chives
• 1 teaspoon finely chopped ginger
• 1 bundle green onions
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 2 teaspoons sesame oil
• 1 teaspoon cooking wine
• 1 pack of dumpling wraps
• Black pepper to taste
Chopping:
Wash the vegetables (green onion and Napa or chives) and allow them to air dry. After drying, chop the vegetables to small pieces approximately inch in diameter. Finely chop the ginger.
Mixing:
Place the meat in a bowl. Add the ginger, green onion, soy sauce, cooking wine, sesame oil, teaspoon of salt, and black pepper. Mix well. Add the Napa or chives and mix again.
Note: If you use Chinese Napa as the vegetable, after chopping but before mixing with the meat, season with 1 1/2 teaspoons salt and let rest at room temperature about 20-30 minutes. Drain the Napa before adding to the meat.
Assembly:
Moisten the edges of the wrap with water. Spoon about 1 teaspoon of the mixture into the middle of the wrap. Fold the wrap in half and pinch the edges together to form a sealed pocket. Repeat until all of the ingredients have been used.
Cooking:
Drop into a pot of boiling water and cook for about 15 minutes until they float to the surface. Be sure meat is sufficient heated to kill any bacteria.
Serving:
Serve with soy sauce or dip of your choice
Enjoy the dumplings!!
Staff Writer - egourmetstore.com
Visit us for free recipes, food photos, articles, tips and more!!
http://www.egourmetstore.com
May 30, 2008 at 9:11 pm · Filed under Lots Of Travel Resources
The beautiful island of Cyprus lies in the Mediterranean Sea, it basks in up to 300 days of sunshine a year making it an island for all seasons.
Every year Aphrodite’s island effortlessly attracts holiday makers and expatriates in their droves; they come in search of the stunning scenery, the incredible history, the fantastic weather, the warm and welcoming people and the idyllic Cypriot lifestyle.
If you’re looking for your next holiday hotspot or a perfect place to live in the sun here are five top reasons to consider Cyprus.
1) Cyprus has the perfect climate: in the short autumn and winter months the temperature never drops so low that the delicate fruit trees fail to deliver their burgeoning crop and in the summer the temperature never soars so high that the beautiful jasmine and bougainvillea blossoms wilt.
Because the weather in Cyprus is considered to be so healthy it has long been an island favoured by all the family, it’s not too hot for those looking for an idyllic retirement destination and it’s not too cold or wet for those looking to escape to the sun.
2) With cheap airlines now servicing the airports across Cyprus, Greece and Turkey the island is easily and cheaply accessible from mainland Europe and there are some direct and many connecting flights to North America, Australasia and the Middle East which makes it an easy destination to reach.
3) Cyprus has been inhabited for at least the last 9,000 years and as a result it is steeped in history, rich in culture and charm and boasts an abundance of interesting historical sites, castles, fortresses and ruins.
There is so much to do and see in Cyprus that holiday makers return frequently and many decide to settle permanently on this amazing island.
4) Aphrodite’s island is also rich in flora and fauna; it has many rare species of orchid for example as well as being home to rare birds of prey, owls, flamingos and butterflies. In the spring and autumn walking tours are very popular with those wanting to experience Cyprus up close and personal and the Troodos and Kyrenia mountain ranges both have many paths to explore and views to experience.
5) The Cypriot lifestyle is laid back, warm, friendly and hospitable. The Cypriot people enjoy a leisurely pace of life that we can all envy…coming to Cyprus on holiday or to live people find they quickly adapt to long lunches and evenings spent out under the stars enjoying a meze of local dishes, some fine Cypriot wine and the company of great friends.
As a destination for your next holiday or a country to consider living in for those seeking a more laid back and idyllic lifestyle, Cyprus truly has it all!
Rhiannon Williamson writes about property in North Cyprus as well as living, working and holidaying on the island of Cyprus.
May 30, 2008 at 12:09 pm · Filed under Realty
What most people loosely refer to as ‘real estate flipping’ these days is no flipping at all - it is reselling for a profit. This is so because most market participants finalize the transaction before reselling their newly acquired interest in land for a mark-up. The implication is that they actually use their own money to complete - a classic real estate investment. The true fine art of ‘flipping’ houses or other real assets, on the other hand, consists in reselling an interest prior to closing. A Buyer of a subjects-free contract of purchase and sale will find another Buyer for the same interest ready, willing and able to purchase prior to the first Buyer completing the deal. The implication is that the first Buyer merely puts the deposit out of his own funds - a classic real estate speculation.
True real estate flipping, albeit not an illegal practice per se, will get you in trouble more often than not and notwithstanding anything Donald Trump will have to say on the subject. In fact, it’s gotten him in trouble as well. It is also a practice not favorably looked upon by many Boards and professional associations within organized real estate. At the centre of it all is the definition of market value with its element of proper exposure to market conditions. Imagine a purchaser that convinces a seller to accept an offer of, say, $300,000 for a single family detached house with completion in three months and a $15,000 deposit. Then, about half a way through the purchaser finds a second buyer willing to pay $350,000 for the same interest and to complete on the same day as the first contract. Come completion date the original purchaser will close on the second contract first. As it takes at least one day for documents to be couriered to the respective conveyancers and about a month (in British Columbia) for the transfer of ownership to be recorded and the new title registered at the Land Title Office, this little trick will allow the original Buyer to walk away with a neat $50,000 in his pockets, without having used his own money practically at all. As market value is, by definition, the price that a real property is reasonably expected to fetch after adequate time and exposure to market conditions, a real question arises as to whether or not the Seller in this example has received full market value for his property.
Flipping potentially encompasses an element of negligent misrepresentation, at the very least, all the more so if someone with special skills and knowledge - such as a Realtor - is involved. But even if no real estate professional is involved, the Courts have long since ruled that under certain circumstances mere silence or half truths may have the same effect as misrepresentation and are, thus, actionable at law. In some cases such misrepresentations may be even qualified as fraudulent. As no reasonable Seller will, if given a choice, sell his property for $300,000 as opposed to $350,000 lawyers have been quick at crying out loud foul play when contacted by disgruntled sellers. But beyond the legality and morality of flipping practices, there is a real economic question as to whether flipping merely contributes to the speculative inflationary ravages that ultimately reveal themselves detrimental for the entire economy, especially when they involve large ticket items such as real capital assets. This is not the case when it comes to investing or, for that matter, reselling for profit, which is looked upon as a regular part of doing business in any market. Which, then, opens up again the ages old debate going on in the economic community as it relates to the impact of speculation vis–vis investment.
The role of speculators in a free market economy is to absorb risk and add very little liquidity to the market place. In fact, more often than not, speculators will reduce market liquidity by inflating prices - the principal effect of speculation - and by moving their newly made riches out of a particular market for use elsewhere. This would be the case in our previous example if the first purchaser, upon completing the first transaction decided to abandon real estate and invest his capital, including the $50,000 profit, into the stock market. Moreover the effect of price increases, particularly in the short run, is to reduce the pool of buyers thus hampering demand and reducing prices even further - the classic economic bubble. Investors, on the other hand, play an entirely different role. In theoretical Economics the term ‘investment’ refers to the purchase and holding of capital goods, which are not instantaneously consumed - i.e. sold for profit - but, rather, used at a later date. Therefore a purchaser that buys a fixer-up, remodels and sells it later on for a mark-up is an investor, not a speculator. The same is true for a buyer of a property under foreclosure.
Risk management when it comes to investment is also well defined. More particularly, investment is in direct function of the underlying relation between personal income or capital appreciation, depending upon the nature of the subject property being bought and sold, and interest rates. An increase in personal income, just like an increase in capital appreciation will encourage investment to a higher degree which, in turn, will spur demand causing a proximate levitation of prices and subsequent economic expansion. Conversely, higher interest rates will discourage investment by heightening the cost of financing resulting in a lower demand and, thus, depressing prices and causing an economic constrain. Even if an investor decides to use his own funds exclusively, the measure of risk will be given by the equation between the underlying opportunity cost of investing versus the lending of those same funds for an interest profit, a process known as maximization of use of capital resources.
It all ultimately boils down to the business plan embraced by the singular market participant. If the objective is to make a ‘quick buck’ through flipping and short term speculation, the measured risk of the acquisition is considerably higher and, in ultimate analysis, no better option than the leveraged capital appreciation through investment holding.
Luigi Frascati
Luigi Frascati is a Real Estate Agent based in Vancouver, British Columbia. He holds a Bachelor Degree in Economics and maintains a weblog entitled the Real Estate Chronicle at http://wwwrealestatechronicle.blogspot.com where you can find the full collection of his articles. Luigi is associated with the Sutton Group, the largest real estate organization in Canada, and is based with Sutton-Centre Realty in Burnaby, BC.
Luigi is very proud to be an EzineArticles Platinum Expert Author. Your rating at the footer of this Article is very much appreciated. Thank you.
May 29, 2008 at 12:17 pm · Filed under Education Info
The best schools will always be those that make a student feel that their endeavors toward education are well worth the effort. It is a commonly held belief that a good school can be determined by name or cost; however, these days it is becoming quite apparent that substance means more than anything. Some of the best schools are little known but will often eventually develop a good reputation amongst true learners. This is because students that graduate from a degree program of good substance are more likely to find a good amount of success in their life.
Earning an associate’s, bachelor’s or master’s degree from the best schools will mean a graduate will have more than a full understanding of a subject. He or she will also have the confidence to adeptly apply their skills in a work environment. While it is true that coursework and lectures are a part of learning in a curriculum, students will still need to be able to work through the material in a way they understand best. When this is accomplished, they can then readily apply their knowledge exactly where it is needed. This brings forth the level of success and confidence that often comes from attending the best schools.
May 29, 2008 at 5:20 am · Filed under Food
The role of a good cook ware in the preparation of a sumptuous meal cannot be overemphasized. When one consider purchasing a good cookware the first point that comes to the mind is the budget. Buying a standard cookware within one’s budget and at the same time obtaining all the pieces and features one has in mind is no simple task. If you belong to the category of people who take cooking a bit seriously you need spend some more time to look into the various aspects of a good cookware from the material from which it is made, to the number of pieces, features and the quality.
The first factor to be considered is the material in which the cookware is made. The first option is the stainless steel that is most popular, durable and convenient. It is also the most popular cookware material in North America being highly resistant against wear and tear and at the same time less expensive. It is also subject to criticism as the metals like iron, nickel, and chromium used in this alloy is said to create health hazards.
The other option for the home maker is the ceramic pottery, enamel or glass cookware. All these materials can be easily cleaned and are also heat resistant. The latest addition to this category is the plastic ware used for both cooking and storing. It has the advantage of being light weight, unbreakable and also being used in Micro wave ovens where other metals are not suitable. Cast iron cookware is normally pre coated with unsalted fat and heated to avoid rusting in the absence of porcelain coating.
The stainless cookware is to be washed in soapy water or warm ammonia with water solution. The cookware is to be rinsed and dried to obviate water spots in the cookware. Never one need use chlorine or alcohol instead only some mild cleaners. The copper cookware are to be cleaned by a commercial cleaner or a home made mixture of salt, flour citric acid, and ammonia if applied before washing would also serve the purpose. While copper cookware is highly expensive the stainless cookware with copper bottom is lesser costly. The copper bottom cookware does not spread the heat evenly and the bottom of the food gets heated faster and there are chances that the food at the bottom may get burned.
One need to buy a cookware that is less expensive, durable, and that distribute the heat evenly. Cooking pans with hot spots cooks at various speed at different spots and make cooking most unpleasant… The cookware made of cast iron, copper and aluminum may result in the food cooked to absorb the metal taste and sometimes even the metal content to get transferred to food. The fact remaining so, copper bowls are immensely useful in beating egg whites. Though aluminum is the least expensive it may cause reaction with certain type of food. If one chooses the Aluminum cookware the anodized is the best choice.
One need to remember that no cookware can be considered as the perfect and the most suitable for cooking on all occasions or for cooking of all types of foods. The ideal cookware depends on your budget, your cooking preferences and the food habits. However cookware made of stainless steel could be recommended as an ideal choice considering its price, economic life, easy cleaning, and less or no reaction with the food. No wonder it is also the most popular and sought after cookware in North America.
Linda Polansky writes about Choosing Cookware and Cookware Appliances
May 28, 2008 at 11:33 pm · Filed under Humorists Lair
I’ve found that there’s a gap in the set of self-help and how-to
books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook,
and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or
start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering
waffles, there are books to help you. And if you happen to be a
dummy — well, there are entire shelves at the local Barnes and
Nobles devoted to you. Dummies can learn about using computers,
and performing home colonoscopies, and operating complicated
voting machinery, among others. But there aren’t any books to
help you cope with actually being a dummy. Until now. And
that’s where I’ve stepped in to fill the void, with a set of
suggestions I’m calling ‘How to Survive as an Idiot‘.
You may wonder what qualifications I have for handing out such
advice. Fair enough. Let me put it to you this way — I go for
the service plans when I buy appliances. I leave myself notes in
one pants pocket to remind me that my keys are in the other
pocket. And I play the lottery every chance I get.
Clearly, I’m an idiot. Meanwhile, I’m thirty-five years
old, which means that I’ve managed to survive an awfully long
time without any discernable mental capacity. Statistically, I
should have driven off a cliff or impaled my spleen with a nail
gun a long time ago. Since I haven’t, I’ve decided to share my
survival techniques with the rest of the world’s idiots. Here
are a few excerpts:
Pay Attention to Signs
Now, I know this is difficult. As idiots, we have the attention
span of a lobotomized cricket. But signs are generally very
helpful, and can help us to avoid many sticky situations. Take
the sign that’s often hanging near roller coasters: ‘Keep Hands
and Feet Inside Car at All Times’. That’s a particularly useful
one, and has personally saved me several fingers and toes over
the years. Also, a word to the not-so-wise: it’s best to keep
your head inside the car, too. I leaned too far left once, and
couldn’t taste ’salty’ for a week. True story.
Paint Your Car Like a Taxi Cab
Let me be very clear on this point — I’m not suggesting that
you actually pick up passengers and drive them through
the city, looking for their destinations. If you’re reading this
guide, then you’re likely an idiot. There’s a very good chance
that you shouldn’t be operating heavy machinery like a car. Or
for that matter, the cigarette lighter. And heaven forbid you
should invite innocent civilians into your deathmobile; those
poor people never did anything to you. However, if your car is
painted like a cab, then you have free license to drive like an
idiot. Running red lights, jumping curbs, cutting through the
daycare playground — it’s all expected from your local cabbies.
Take advantage, and get that paint job done. It comes with a
free pine-scented air freshener, too. Those make for a nice
snack.
Don’t Learn New Words
I understand that you want to better yourself. It’s not easy
being an idiot; the temptation is always there to hoist yourself
by your own petard, up and out of the moronic muck. I know. I’ve
been there myself. I even went so far as to learn the word
‘petard’ — and that’s three weeks of my life I’ll never have
back. I still don’t know what it means, or how to pronounce it.
Is it ‘PEE-tard’, or ‘PUH-tard’? ‘PUTT-hard’? I have no idea. I
just know that we all have one, apparently, and that you’re only
allowed to hoist your own. And if you hoist it more than twice,
then you’re just playing with it. Pretty useless knowledge,
really. Let this be a lesson to you all.
Never Invest Your Money
Clearly, wise investment is a good idea. The gradual accrual of
interest and earnings over time is far preferable to blowing
your cash on idiot staples like scratch tickets, box wine, and
bad hairpieces. But the key word is ‘wise‘; as idiots, we
have about as much chance of picking a skyrocketing stock as
winning a Nobel Prize. Why throw our money down the toilet on
‘investments’ like Alaskan ice cube makers or Michael
Jackson-brand baby monitors, when we can enjoy our time spending
ourselves sillier? Either way, the money’s gone. No need to
bring a financial consultant into the equation; that’ll only
cost you more.
Hopefully, these tips will come in handy for those among us who
require such advice. The unfortunate thing, of course, is that
many of the people who would benefit most can’t read in the
first place. Or navigate a mouse and keyboard to find this piece
online. But I have hope for my brainless brethren, anyway. And
why not — I don’t know any better. After all, I’m an idiot.
Next entries »
