Archive for October, 2008
October 30, 2008 at 8:25 pm · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
Recently, the magazine I own and edit got a hate letter that was so full of venom and hostility, it gave me shivers. The ultra-religious lady who wrote it is young and passionate about her beliefs. She was quite critical of those who express their grief pain, because she doesn’t believe pain is necessary in grief. She evidently thinks that if we would just trust God, we would not be suffering. She is not bereaved, and it would appear that life has not yet delivered to her the kind of agony that so many of us have experienced. However, nothing is wasted if we can learn something from it, and the writer of this letter has opened my eyes to a truth I would like to explore with you, my friends.
It occurred to me that her passionate indignation may come from a place of brittleness in her soul. She seems rigid, judgmental and apparently without tenderness or mercy, and she is positive she is right. I can remember a time in my life when I was almost as sure of everything as she is now, but I hope my approach was a little softer than hers! In the passion of youth and inexperience, it is easy to be pretty cocky about convictions.
However, I can look back with deep appreciation to God for the “different me” that my life experiences have produced. My heart is a lot softer now, and my tolerance is biggermore stretched and expanded. Now, it’s easier for me to forgive, and my judgments are much gentler. I like me a lot better now than I did before I was tried and tested in the furnace of grief. But getting from “there” to “here” has been an excruciatingly painful journey. I have been tenderized!
When we tenderize meat, it can take quite a beating. We break down its fiber and completely change its original form. Sometimes we even put it through a machine that flattens it out, makes it broader and wider (and less dense) and gives it a waffle-like appearance. But because of the breaking down of its tissue, and the rearranging of its cellular structure, it is more delicious and easier to swallow. It can nurture in a much more pleasant way!
Grief is a great tenderizer. Emotionally and psychologically, grief has beaten us around and squeezed us between rollers with merciless spikes, but we can come through on the other side with tenderized understanding, compassion and wisdom.
In the scriptures of the Old Testament, wine was symbolic of joy and cleansing. Used appropriately, it made people feel good and it literally was used in the cleansing of wounds. Oil in scripture was symbolic of healing. It, too, was often used to help heal woundsin addition to its role in both cooking and lighting. These two substances, wine and oil, were used to bring into the lives of the people joy, healing, light and hope.
But before they could have oil or wine, there had to be a process that crushed the grapes and the olives to produce the new, changed forms. Sometimes one thing has to appear to be destroyed in order to bring about something different that is even more useful and nurturing.
This can be a hard and painful lesson for us. Most of us would have happily settled for olives and grapes and thicker, tougher meat. We don’t want to grow because of pain and pressure. Given a choice, I know that I wouldn’t have chosen the path of suffering, and I would have stayed in my comfortable rut of smug wisdom.
But since none of us had any real choice, we can take some comfort in knowing that our tenderizing process has been enriching to humanity. We have primarily learned to seek with more honesty, to cut through the peripheral, to serve rather than be served, to care rather than strive to be cared for, to give instead of receiving, and to love instead of castigating.
I guess I’d rather live out the time I have left hoping that just in case my daughter who is on the “other side” can see me now, she can nudge the kid next to her and say proudly, “That’s my mom!”
Good Grief Resources (http://www.goodgriefresources.com) was conceived and founded by Andrea Gambill whose 17-year-old daughter died in 1976. Almost thirty years of experience in leading grief support gropus, writing, editing, and founding a national grief-support magazine has provided valuable insights into the unique needs of the bereaved and their caregivers and wide access to many excellent resources. The primary goal of Good Grief Resources is to connect the bereaved and their caregivers with as many bereavement support resources as possible in one, efficient and easy-to-use website directory.
October 30, 2008 at 10:16 am · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
Shortly after noon, I went into Arlyn’s bedroom to get a few things to take with me. I was preparing to drive about three miles out into the country, to Woodhaven Road.
I stood and gazed around her room for a few minutes; it was full of Arlyn, but it seemed so empty.
I picked up a folder with some of the poems she had written. Her words. Her thoughts. Her feelings.
I held it under my arm securely while I searched for something else. A Cabbage Patch doll, the dress she was christened in, a blue ribbon she had won for baking a sponge cake when she was ten years old. They were all things that meant something to Arlyn, but I left them alone.
In moving my hands across the top of her dresser, I knocked over a small picture frame. I stood it upright; it held a photo of Arlyn with bright red hair and a happy grin. She was three years old when I had made the Raggedy Ann costume using a mop for a wig. She had flopped around the house for days practicing a Raggedy Ann walk. I smiled at the memory and picked it up to take with me. This was all I needed.
I got into the car, checking to make sure I had not forgotten to put the lawn chair in the trunk. Then slowly, I drove three miles out to the country to a place that drew me to it with an awful, yet irresistable force. To a place on Woodhaven Road.
A few minutes later, I parked the car beside a small stream. I checked my watch; I was early. The rickety wooden bridge which crossed the stream seemed to blend in with the trees and undergrowth surrounding it. There were no other man-made structures in sight.
My eyes tried to follow several small yellow butterflies as they bobbed up and down in this otherwise still picture. I placed the lawn chair on the side of the narrow dirt road. a few feet from the two wooden crosses that announced to the world that this was a place where a death had occurred.
I held on to the folder of writings and the small framed photo as I sat heavily down in the chair. I suddenly realized that I had placed the chair on the exact spot where my daughter’s body had fallen when her life stopped. I briefly stiffened and thought about moving, but then, I didn’t. A morbid need to connect wtih her held me there.
I opened the folder and picked up a sheet of paper with Arlyn’s handwriting on it. I read:
“The scent of death
Surrounds me
And I am overwhelmed
By it’s beauty.”
I shook my head; I could not understand.
It was terribly hot, much like it was the day Arlyn died. I sat quiety wondering what she had thought during those final moments, wondering if she has been afraid, wondering.
I looked down and continued to read. I felt a dull pain in my chest. Her hands had written the words I was staring at, but her heart had felt them.
After a while, I looked up and stared at the yellow butterflies blankly. Then, I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost - that time. If Arlyn’s spirit was to come, it would be now.
So I began to talk. At first, I spoke casually. “How are you doing, Arlyn? What’s it like up there? Are you with Mammaw and Grandpap and Lori? Have you played your guitar for them?”
I waited, but Arlyn did not reply.
I felt myself growing more anxious, so I began to ask harder questions, pausing after each to listen for a reply.
“Arlyn, do you miss us? When you pulled the trigger, did you have any idea of how badly your death would hurt your dad and me? Did you know how much I loved you?”
Then, as a post-script, I asked her if she’d seen her young cousin, Adam, who was killed the day before, and I asked her to take Adam under her wings.
Again, I closed my eyes and waited. And waited.
Nothing happened. I felt so sad.
Finally, I decided I had to try one more time to persuade Arlyn to reply. I would ask for a sign that she was here. She’d been gone four years; I had waited long enough.
I opened my eyes and looked around. As I searched for a sign, I realized I would not know a sign if I saw one. What does a sign look like? Is it a blinking light? A crash of thunder? The image of a face in the clouds? What would I look for?
Then, I spotted two yellow butterflies in the woods behind the crosses. This type of butterfly is common in south Georgia at this time of year. It seems that they only come in yellow. I glanced down at the Raggedy Ann photo that was smiling up with me. The red mop wig almost looked like wings surrounding her face.
I smiled to myself then, and I spoke loudly into the trees. I said, “Arlyn, if you hear me, I need a sign! Will you send me a sign to let me know you’re okay? Will you send me a red butterfly if you know how much I love you and how badly I miss you? A red butterfly, Arlyn. Please.”
By then, the tears spilling down my cheeks were making their own small stream. I closed my eyes. I felt the stillness, until a cool breeze brushed past. I shivered.
When I opened my eyes again, I saw the two crosses still standing in front of me. The only thing different was that the yellow butterflies in the woods behind them had left.
I signed. I was so disappointed that I had just passed another milestone date without a sign from Arlyn. I felt myself sinking.
I was a reluctant traveler on this road. Sometimes, it seemed too hard to go on. Sometimes, I wanted to give up and join her. I missed her so much.
A moment or so later, I caught a red flicker in the corner of my eye to the right, over the stream. I turned and saw a large red butterfly come up from under the bridge. Slowly, it flew towards me, bobbing up and down as if it were on a sea of gently rippling water.
As the butterfly flew closer, I held my breath. The trees behind it faded out, creating a hazy background, accenting the brightness of its red wings.
To my amazement, it fluttered close to me. Then, it flew all the way around the two crosses that bore Arlyn’s name. Not once but twice. Twice, the red butterfly encircled those crosses while I sat there spellbound, so close I could have touched it.
It hovered a moment, and then it swooped through the air, heading off into the woods behind the crosses and out of sight.
Was it a coincidence that the red butterfly just happened to fly by as I was hoping for a sign from Arlyn? Was it really a sign from her? If it was a sign, what did it mean?
I do not know if it was a coincidence or not; I have visited the place on Woodhaven Road many times in the past four years. The only butterflies I remember seeing there before were yellow.
A sign is something that may suggest the presence of someone who is missing. To me, that butterfly was a sign from Arlyn, because there is no logical explanation for its appearance otherwise. So, what does it mean?
I believe it was a sign that the spirit lives on after death, and that the soul of my precious Arlyn is at peace. I believe the red butterfly was Arlyn’s way of letting me know that she knows the depth of my love for her, and the pain of my sadness. I also believe that she sent me this sign so I would know that she is with me always.
This knowledge does not erase the fact I miss her, but it does help me move into the future. I feel an inner calmness that was missing before. I believe I have a mission to accomplish while I am here, so I now understand that the spirit of my child will provide the wings to lift me up.
Most important, though, the red butterfly proved to me that love is eternal. It does not die when the body dies. Hearts and souls that are joined on earth are united forever.
Karyl Chastain Beal, Mother of Arlyn
Columbia, Tennessee
Masters in Education
Certified Thanatologist
Support group facilitator
Mission: Suicide awareness, support and education (and prevention)
Writings published in Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul, Seventeen magazine, various other magazines and newspapers
Member of AFSP Survivors Counsel & SPAN
Owner of Suicide Memorial Wall, Suicide Discussion Board and Suicide Reference Library
October 29, 2008 at 9:42 pm · Filed under Credit + Ratings, Loan Management, World Of Finance
It doesn’t matter if you live in Dallas Texas or in Marion Ohio a honest online investigation will salvage you often a lot of anguish. Many of the banks wil show you a loan rate that is looking just but feels severely or so after a while. Nowadays you can investigate rates of interest quickly online and realize if there are other sneaky conditions you should be aware of. 17.5 percent interest rate may seem so average but will that be unceasing after you’re going to pay for your bank loan. now you really need to check into and consider if you can have a bank loan at a dependable percent rate of interest. Examine to see if the moneylender who is willing to give you a loan is honorable. A bank in El Cajon California or so can have a total different actual rate of interest for a 32500 dollar credit loan then a merchant bank in Anchorage Alaska and that makes a huge clear difference in your yearly costs.
Translated in Dutch: Woon je in Franekeradeel of Scheemda en heb je BKR. Lenen met en BKR codering is nergens zo eenvoudig. Verwen jezelf met een nieuwe caravan met geld lenen met negatieve bkr registratie, 412410 euro is geen probleem om te financieren. Van Brielle tot Sint-Michielsgestel, geld lenen met BKR is altijd mogelijk.
Be impudent today to check out if you have a super deal or if you don’t with the moneylender that offers you a credit loan.
October 29, 2008 at 2:59 pm · Filed under Lots Of Travel Resources, Regional Sources
The Bed & Breakfast “De Nittis”, is a familiar kind of accommodation, where you can feel "Living on Holiday". The owners, a cup of young people, will guest you in an old house, dated of 1800, enterely reconstructed to satisfy all your needs of calm and comfort during your stay.
Since the B&B provides every facilities you can request for, setting up a more friendly relationship with its guests
In the Bed & Breakfast there are 4 rooms; 2 of them have shared facilities with ample shower and toilet complex on the floor; the others 2 ones have private shower and toilet.
All rooms are furnished with care and are provided of a colour television, air-conditioned, internet wireless connection and desk.
The De Nittis B&B offers free of charge the possibility to use internet because is totally covered by wireless.
On request, if possible, the owners offer free shuttle-bus service for and from railway station and, against payment, for and from Bari Palese Airport or for others places and towns.
You can park close to B&B or in arranged garage (200 mt).
The Bed & Breakfast “De Nittis” is situated in the centre of town near the principal monuments, bars and restaurants.
The B&B is five minute walking distance far from the railway station and the beach.
If you think that De Nittis is not exactly what you are looking for, click here to visit our catalogue for Hotels in Italy, and make a search for another hotel in Barletta: we are pretty sure that you can easy find the Barletta accommodation that can best fit your need for a perfect stay in Italy.
October 29, 2008 at 6:28 am · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
These psychological ego Strategies arise where separate intelligences are split off from the central stem of your Soul and are Archetypes created and used by the Hurt Inner Children.
Hurt Inner Children split off from the Central Soul personality when the person gets traumatised by the painful and corrupt actions of life.
These Hurt Inner Children flow in and out of your consciousness and it is these split personalities which use the Strategies like the Violator, the Poor Me and the Selfish Competitive Star in order to get the attention and the Love of everyone around them.
The problem is that these psychology ego strategies always hurt the people around them. Eventually they stop working and the people around them throw them out.
With ego strategies, if you are rich everyone puts up with them, their job depends on it, but no-one likes them.
Without someone pointing out the discrepancies in your behaviour, you probably will not notice them..
As Gurdjieff said, “The personality that says I will get up early in the morning is not the same personality who throws the alarm clock out of the window!!.”
This is the psychology of the split personality!
As the False Negative Emotions of Anger, Manicism, Seeking Sympathy and Attention, Depression and Fear are Eliminated, Emotional Integration with the Intelligence results in Willpower and the Power of Doing.
This higher functionality is the result of healing these Strategies!
The Aloof Strategy
When we remain quiet as a child, then our mothers often ask if there is a problem. The psychological strategy has worked! We have caught the attention, the energy, the love of our mothers. Because of this people remain quiet and show no love at inappropriate times, simply because this strategy worked once.
The aloof use this psychological strategy to gain attention. Once we had a client who used to constantly travel around the world in order to remain aloof from his family and create food for themselves and eat it separately. It certainly got their attention!!
Also the aloof psychology can work in combination with the Star. Once we had a client who preferred to eat alone rather than eat with others. The star made wonderful food which it used in order to remain aloof.
The Poor me Strategy
Further than the aloof strategy the Poor Me gains energy by being sad or sick and by moaning and complaining.
Many people say that doctors surgeries are places where people compete for who had the worse things that happened to them. The combination of the Poor me and the Star.
They have some investment in always remaining sick, and that is because it gets the attention of all the people around them.
As people get sick of their constant moaning the poor me strategy begins to fail to get attention, as all of these strategies eventually fail. Then something stronger is needed in order to gain the attention and the POOR ME becomes an amputee, Alcoholic or a Drug Addict.
They are so sad that one feels guilty to be happy in their presence. Needless to say, this childish personality will do anything, hurt or even kill themselves to gain your attention and your Energy!
And if that does not work the Poor Me always flips into the Violator Strategy in order to get attention. Ignore them and they get Very Very Angry!!! This is the origin of many Bi-polar Disorders.
Remember the Vampiric Strategy Sub-Personality does not care one jot about its host, YOU!!
All it cares about is to perform its robotic programmed function of gaining attention and love and energy from everyone around them. The Strategies of the Vampire.
However, to remove these sub-personalities completely, the more Advanced techniques of a Synthesis of Ancient Meditational Techniques are absolutely necessary:-
It needs an Ancient Advanced Synthesis of Effective Techniques for Gaining More Energy - Meditation, Shaktipat, Energy Circulation, The Kundalini Kriyas, The Five Elemental Paths Of The Chi Of Chinese Alchemical Taoism, The Grounding Of Negative Energies, V.I.T.R.I.O.L, The Art Card Of The Thoth Tarot, Access To Kundalini Energy, Strong Psychic Protection, Learn The Merkaba, Pyramid Protection, Power Tower Protection, Create The Antahkarana, Soul Fusion, Monadic Infusion, Logos Infusion. The Painless Removal Of Stress, Trauma And Negative Emotion
Leading onto the more advanced Techniques of The Karma Clearing Process.
Karma Cleaning Process, Learning how to clean The Karma From Past Lives, Future Life, Future Lifetimes, Integrating Soul Fragmentation And Retrieval of Inner Children, Selfish Ego Sub Personalites, Life Destroying Strategies, The Aloof, The Interrogator, The Violator, The Selfish Competitive Star, The Vamp Or Don Juan, The Pleaser, The Blamer, The Critic, The King, The Self Destructor, All The Destructive Vows From This And Past Lifetimes,.
Which results in The Creation Of Self Love, Love And Service.
Ponder on this..
Director Satchidanand, is one of the leading teachers of Meditation.
He helps people worldwide reach further than they EVER thought possible, FASTER!!!
http://www.energyenhancement.org
October 28, 2008 at 11:16 pm · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
Most narcissists (75%) are men.
NPD is one of a “family” of personality disorders (formerly known as “Cluster B”).
Other members: Borderline PD, Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD.
NPD is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders (”co-morbidity”) - or with substance abuse, or impulsive and reckless behaviours (”dual diagnosis”).
NPD is new (1980) mental health category in the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM).
There is only scant research regarding narcissism. But what there is has not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to NPD.
It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPD.
Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud. Other major contributors are: Klein, Horney, Kohut, Kernberg, Millon, Roningstam, Gunderson, Hare.
The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.
There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.
Narcissists are either “Cerebral” (derive their narcissistic supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) - or “Somatic” (derive their narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and “conquests”).
Narcissists are either “Classic” - see definition below - or they are “Compensatory”, or “Inverted” - see definitions here: “The Inverted Narcissist”.
NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.
Please read CAREFULLY!
The text in italics is NOT based on the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual, Fourth Edition (1994).
The text in italics IS based on “Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited”, second, revised, printing (2001)
An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:
- Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion
- Firmaly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)
- Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations
- Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others
- Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her
- Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted
Some of the language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
The text in italics is based on:
Sam Vaknin. (2001). Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, second, revised, printing. Prague and Skopje: Narcissus Publication.
For the exact language of the DSM IV criteria - please refer to the manual itself!
About The Author
Sam Vaknin is the author of “Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited” and the editor of mental health categories in The Open Directory, Suite101, and searcheurope.com.
His web site: http://samvak.tripod.com
Frequently asked questions regarding narcissism: http://samvak.tripod.com/faq1.html
Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Suite101: http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd
October 28, 2008 at 12:49 am · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
Dear Dr. J.
I am 16 years old and I think I think I have an eating disorder. My mom loves me very much and she’s always supported me in my dream to be a model. Ever since I can remember, my mom has tried to help me find the right clothes, talk right, and get exercise and eat in a healthy way. Up until this year, I really thought I wanted to be a model, but now I’m in my junior year of high school and I think I want to go to college to be a teacher or maybe join the Peace Corps. I’ve never had a boyfriend before and now I’m going with Tim who thinks I’m beautiful whether I wear makeup or not. In fact, he says he likes the “natural look”. I’ve stopped wearing so much makeup and I’ve been eating more when I go out with Tim.
It was Tim who noticed that I hardly eat anything when I’m out. He wonders if I have a problem. His sister had anorexia and had to go away to a treatment place. He’s worried about me. I’m trying to show him that I don’t have anorexia like his sister, but now I feel terrible because I’ve been throwing up since I was 13. I feel like I should tell him, but I don’t want to lose him. My mom is mad because she says I look “terrible” and that I’m “letting myself go”. I have gained a little bit of weight and Tim thinks I look pretty. My mom keeps asking me if I’m exercising. She made a deal with me that I could go out more if I exercise and stop eating sweets. She had some chocolates hidden up in the pantry and I got into them and ate some, and she found out and was really mad.
Tim is really nice and is popular and studies and is planning to go to college. His parents go to our church and are really nice too. Now my mom says I’m spending too much time with Tim and wants me to limit it to once every two weeks. I don’t understand why she’s so mad.
I think I have bulemia. What should I do? I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, especially my mom, but I think she’s too much in my business. Everyday when I get home, she asks about what this girl said, or that girl said. She wants to know everything Tim says and then gets mad when I tell her. Maybe I should just break up with Tim so he doesn’t get hurt.
Marcie
Dear Marcie:
Yes, I certainly think you do have Bulemia Nervosa. You can check the specific symptoms here on the website. If you are vomiting after you eat as part of trying to control your weight, you have a problem. It is very important for you to get help with this right away.
Up until recently, your mother has been totally in charge of your decisions. She decides what you should wear, eat, and do. She is way too involved and way too controlling. Part of the clinical picture for a Bulemic is an overinvolved mother. Your mother needs to get therapy to help her find a more healthy way of relating to a teenage daughter. Perhaps she could be a part of your therapy at some point. It appears that your mother has revolved her life around you and that isn’t good. She may even be trying to live her life vicariously through you. Because of this, if you don’t do as she expects, she becomes frustrated and angry, and tries anything to get you back under her control. She is going to try to break up your relationship with Tim because he has an influence on you that is running contrary to hers. I know this sounds harsh, but somebody has to say it….your mother needs to back off and let you be who you want to be. Hopefully, you will go away to college and at least create some physical distance with your mother.
Because you have this enmeshed (too close) relationship with your mother, you have never developed an internal guide to help you make your own decisions. Now that you have Tim in your life, you’re now trying to please him too. The stress of being caught between the needs of these two powerful people in your life could make your eating disorder worse. As strange as this seems, your eating disorder gives you a sense of control. Even though you feel out of control when you’re in it, it is the one thing you do have control over. This does sound strange, and that’s why you need to get into therapy with somebody who understands the complexities of this condition. Even if you attach yourself to the therapist for awhile and try to please her, at least you will have the influence of somebody who has your best interests at heart. Eventually, however, the purpose of the therapy is to help you find your own inner voice which tells you what you need and want. My guess is that you have anxiety about being perfect and not making mistakes. You mentioned that Tim is your first boyfriend and he’s probably the first person outside the family who has had a different opinion. This can throw you into quite a turmoil on a very deep level. Depression and anxiety are probably part of what you are experiencing right now. Check with your school and see if they can help get you a referral to a therapist or eating disorder group facilitated by a professional. The school counselor could also be a valuable mediator in approaching your mother about getting help. She will be very threatened by your seeking therapy. She will be afraid the therapist will blame her and I’m not sure her ego strength is that solid. Whatever you do, do not take responsibility for the feelings of these loved ones. It is up to them to deal with their own feelings. It’s your job to focus on yourself so that you can begin to recover from this eating disorder.
Dr. Sowle
October 27, 2008 at 9:42 pm · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
Every child who is adopted from foster care deserves a clear, detailed record of his or her life prior to adoption. While a foster child is waiting for a forever family, a lifebook can help her to make sense of the past and prepare to go forward.
Once a child is placed with a permanent family, lifebooks are a connection to the past that can inform and improve the future. Done with care, lifebooks are an invaluable tool for helping children through difficult life transitions and enabling them to take ownership of their unique histories.
Simply stated, a lifebook is a book that presents a child’s life story. Like other books, lifebooks can contain pictures, artwork, text, and other meaningful memorabilia that convey information about a child’s personal history. What child doesn’t like being the star of his own story for an audience of his choosing?
It is very simple in principle…until you begin to factor in abuse and neglect, multiple placements, loss and grief, complicated legalities, and disruptions. How can you translate abuse, drugs, and rejection in terms and images appropriate for a five-year-old? You may have to learn some new skills, but a well-constructed lifebook can hold a tale of even the most profound loss and pain.
Key Components
When I was a new adoption worker, the experienced writers in my office created a lifebook template/checklist of sorts. All of our lifebooks included:
• information about the child’s birth
• a copy of the child’s birth certificate
• birth family information
• why the child entered foster care
• a history of different placements
• a worker’s blessing page
To bolster children’s self esteem, our template included a very upbeat birth page. One common line was, “When you were born, the doctors ooohed and aaahed…”
While I believed in all the lifebook components, I never liked this line. For me, it just did not ring true. So many of our children were tiny drug-addicted babies, fighting for their lives. Lifebooks are supposed to be about the truth.
Lifebook Truths.
Because lifebooks are historical documents, it is never okay to lie. Sometimes, though, you may not know much about a particular eventsay, the moment the child was born. In such circumstances, you may need to say, “I’ll bet that….”
For example:
I’ll bet that your birth mother was happy to have given birth to such a beautiful baby girl, but she may have felt sad and confused too because of her problems with bad drugs.
Official documents such as birth certificates and hospital birth records are a great source of factual information, and kids love to see the important pieces of paper that validate their very existence. Foster kids sometimes need to be reminded that they, like everyone else, started life by getting born.
Another way to promote lifebook truth is to involve the child. After all, this is his or her story. Grab crayons and markers, and find a quiet space. Younger children may enjoy dictating while you write; pretend they are guests on a talk show and interview them. Other kids may want to write down their own words, and have you transform them into neat, printed pages.
Some truths are hard to explain and accept. But if an event is an important part of the child’s history, include what you can in a developmentally appropriate way. A teenager may be able to understand “sexual abuse” and a birth parent who was “addicted to cocaine and alcohol,” but a younger child may make better sense of phrases like “bad touching” and “couldn’t stay away from bad drugs.”
Omissions say to a child that things are so bad they can’t be shared. Then the child may fill in the blanks with much scarier imaginings and a sense of guilt or shame. Truth leads to healing, and troubling past events, over time, can fade into “just the way it is.”
Family History
Think about your family for a minute. Which relatives do you take after? Whose athleticism matches yours? Whose laugh echoes yours at the same jokes? Whose nose is (for better or worse) stuck on your face?
Much of our identity comes from being part of the generations that came before us. Children who live with their birth family can see the traits they share with relatives. They also hear and relive family stories at the dinner table, at family gatherings, and through shared memories.
Children who are adopted from foster care may have vivid memories of their birth family, but relatively few positive stories or happy shared moments. Once the birth family is out of their lives, they lose major connections.
Can you imagine going through life without meeting anyone who looks like you? Imagine what it feels like to go through a significant life eventhaving a baby or being screened for cancerwithout knowing your family medical history?
Lifebooks can help answer questions that keep kids, teens, and adults up at night wondering. Adoption social workers often have access to detailed social histories, old medical records, and other social workers who once worked with the birth parents. If visits with birth parents are still going on, you have a golden opportunity to gather important facts and images.
In my view, any chance to get information or pictures should be considered a last chance. Additional family photos and details about the birth family will be a treasure to the childand to those who parent the child for the rest of their lives.
And let’s not forget siblings; they have a special magic all their own. A simple page with siblings’ names, ages, pictures, and locations can work wonders.
Asking Why
One of the hardest and most critical parts of lifebooks answers the question: Why don’t I live with my birth family?
It is unwise to tell a child that their birth parent was sick (unless it is an honest part of the story). Don’t sick people usually get better? And if Mom gets better, shouldn’t the child go back home? What if Mom doesn’t get betteris she dead, or dying? Why give the child this worry?
I tell children that their birth father, birth mother (or other caretaker) had grown-up problems and wasn’t able to take care of him- or herself. In fact, the caretaker took such poor care of him/herself that he/she couldn’t possibly take care of a childany childat that time in his/her life.
By placing responsibility squarely with the adult, we can help children work through nonsensical thinking evidenced in rhymes like: “Step on a crack and break your mother’s back.” Many children with abuse histories believe they were bad or somehow responsible for being taken from their birth families. As social workers, we must make sure that kids don’t carry this burden of false guilt through life.
I often directly ask children, “Why do you think you aren’t living with your birth family?” In 10 minutes, I get more information from this question than most therapists do in 10 sessions. Depending on the circumstances, I will then discuss each child’s specific situation.
Placements
Pages on placements are often the most straightforward. Start with here and now; do a page on the child’s current school, favorite foods, good friends, sports, and favorite activities. Get any photos you can. Do the same for past placements in foster homes, group homes, or emergency shelters.
If the child is just about to enter an adoptive placement, a favorite page may be one commemorating when the adoptive parents and child first met. Interview the parents and child separately, and then share their quotes. Now you are accumulating text for the lifebook.
Seek out school report cards, awards, and positive quotes from teachers and foster parents. Awards and praise can help children feel good about who they area feeling that can give them the ego strength to deal with difficult transitions.
The Worker’s Blessing Page
As a social worker, you probably have worked with this child for months, if not years. Just before the child is placed for adoption, take time to write one page for the end of the lifebook. Talk about the child’s strengths and what you think is special about him or her. Include a funny story or thought.
It is important to give a child permission to move on and be happy. This is a powerful message for the years to come.
Getting It Done
A team approach to lifebooks may be most rewarding. If foster parents can capture a few moments of the child’s lifemaybe grab a picture of the birth family and share a picture of the foster family toothen the lifebook has begun. Social workers and therapists can add to the record.
When the child is adopted, carefully transfer the book to the adoptive family. Coach adoptive parents to keep the lifebook somewhere special and secure. If the child wants the book in her room, make a copy of the original for her to keep. The child gets to decide when the lifebook comes out and parents should never share the book without the child’s permission.
It may be that the book will become a part of adoption anniversary celebrations, provide help with a school family tree assignment, open the door to conversations about adoption and identity as the child gets older, and help the child to deal with the painful loss of his birth family. Then too, it may be something that the child can only appreciate once he starts his own family. The lifebook should be available whenever the child is ready.
Soon after I began working on lifebooks for children, I heard back from families whose children had my first plain, typewritten efforts. To my delight, they reported that the lifebooks became more valuable over time. Lifebooks give foster and adopted children crucial, life-affirming information: basic factual data about themselves, as well as an understanding of where they came from and why they have a new family. It also gave them permission to remember and grieve their losses and better bond with their new families. What a gift!
Beth O’Malley is a speaker and the author of Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child, My Foster Care Journey, and For When I’m Famous: A Teen Foster/Adoption Lifebook (call 800-469-9666 to learn more about the books). To contact Beth, write to Lifebooks@earthlink.net or visit http://www.adoptionLifebooks.com
October 27, 2008 at 2:27 pm · Filed under Online Psychology Resources
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: Resistance to Celebrating Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: © 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 720 Category: Emotional Healing, Relationships
RESISTANCE TO CELEBRATING Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Some people really love celebrations - birthdays, anniversaries, holidays - while other people seem to dislike them. Derek will tell you that he could go through life very nicely without celebrations. To Derek, celebrations are a bother, a nuisance. They are meaningless and commercialized, created by big business to make money. Derek does not want to fall into the trap of being like everyone else.
Bonnie, Derek’s wife, is just the opposite. She loves celebrations. She loves to buy just the right gifts for people. She loves to celebrate people on their birthdays and anniversaries. She loves Thanksgiving, Christmas, as well as Chanukah, since she is half Jewish. To Bonnie, celebrations are times when she can express her love and appreciation for people and her gratitude for her life. Bonnie is sad that Derek doesn’t like to join her, and often feels lonely at holiday time because Derek is so resistant to celebrating.
How did Derek get this way? What causes him and others to dislike celebrations?
Derek grew up with a very controlling, invasive mother. She tried to control Derek in many areas - how he wore his hair, who he dated, how he spent his time, what courses he took in school, what major he had in college. In addition, she exerted much control over him during celebrations. Not only did he have to get her a terrific present, but whatever he got was never good enough. For Derek, celebrations were not fun at all.
Now, as an adult, Derek is in resistance to being controlled. He has transferred his anger and resistance toward his mother onto society and big business. Now it is society and big business that are trying to control him. Now, because he is an adult, he no longer has to give in as he did with his mother. Now he can resist being controlled.
The problem is that it is not really an adult who is making the decision to hate holidays - it’s a wounded, angry resistant adolescent who just doesn’t want to be controlled any more. Derek actually has a little child inside - the happy, playful, loving child - who would love to be celebrated on his birthday and would love to celebrate others, but this tyrannical, controlling adolescent part of him (who is just like his mother!) won’t let him. So, like Bonnie, his little inner child ends up feeling sad and lonely on holidays and birthdays, while the adolescent part of Derek thinks he is beating the system.
Derek will never be able to experience the joy of celebrations until he starts to care more about what is truly loving to himself and others, rather than being controlled by his resistance to being controlled. As long as not being controlled - by Bonnie, by his mother, or by society and big business - is more important to him than taking care of the little child inside who loves celebrations, Derek will be in resistance.
One way of moving out of this resistance is to find something he does want to celebrate. Can he celebrate his love for his wife? Can he celebrate the loving part of himself? Can he celebrate the fact that he is free to resist and rebel if that is what he wants? Can he celebrate his freedom to choose, his free will to determine what will bring him joy? Derek has the choice to move out of celebrating what others say he should celebrate and discover what he wants to celebrate. Then he might discover the joy of celebrating!
Meanwhile, Bonnie needs to take care of herself and find people who would enjoy celebrating with her. Rather than being stuck in her loneliness around special days, she needs to find friends to celebrate with her. She needs to let go of trying to get Derek to join her - which only taps into his resistance - and figure out how to take care of herself in the face of his choices. She will just lose out if she tries to have any control over his resistance. However, if Derek is open to learning about his resistance and open to learning about what he could celebrate, she can certainly engage in those discussions with him. If she lets go and he opens to exploring, perhaps they can discover new and joyful ways of celebrating!
October 26, 2008 at 8:01 pm · Filed under Advice, Business, Great Self Improvement Tips
Being broke is no fun, and trying to figure out how to put money in your pocket without having to sell your PS3 is no fun either. However, if you have Internet access, then you can probably find something that will fit into what you are looking for. Cash gifting for example, is a great way to make a supplemental or even a full time income from your home. The cash gifting expert will help you find the program that is right for you and the income you want to make, and the money you have available for gifting. Once you have made these steps get prepared to start receiving money.
Cash gifting is making a comeback. Once it was considered a multi-level marketing scam, but in truth, it was once just poorly managed. Now, I’m not a cash gifting expert, but from what I have read online, it is very possible to make money through cash gifting. Not only that, it is possible to make a lot of money with cash gifting. It just depends on what kind of time and money you are willing to put into it yourself, and isn’t that true of any kind of business? If you are not willing to commit you will not make money, but if you are, then you will.
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